How the Torah and the Rabbis Teach Us to Treat Our Wives

This week's Parsha, Lech Licha, has an absolutely MIND BOGGLING discussion between Avraham and Sarah. The verses state (Genesis 12:11-13):

יא. וַיְהִי כַּאֲשֶׁר הִקְרִיב לָבוֹא מִצְרָיְמָה וַיֹּאמֶר אֶל שָׂרַי אִשְׁתּוֹ הִנֵּה נָא יָדַעְתִּי כִּי אִשָּׁה יְפַת מַרְאֶה אָתְּ:
11. Now it came to pass when he drew near to come to Egypt, that he said to Sarai his wife, "Behold now I know that you are a woman of fair appearance.
יב. וְהָיָה כִּי יִרְאוּ אֹתָךְ הַמִּצְרִים וְאָמְרוּ אִשְׁתּוֹ זֹאת וְהָרְגוּ אֹתִי וְאֹתָךְ יְחַיּוּ:
12. And it will come to pass when the Egyptians see you, that they will say, 'This is his wife,' and they will slay me and let you live.
יג. אִמְרִי נָא אֲחֹתִי אָתְּ לְמַעַן יִיטַב לִי בַעֲבוּרֵךְ וְחָיְתָה נַפְשִׁי בִּגְלָלֵךְ:
13. Please say [that] you are my sister, in order that it go well with me because of you, and that my soul may live because of you."

Avraham is basically asking his wife to pretend to be his sister. Let's think about what that means. Well, the argument here is that since they will kill Avraham and take Sarah anyways, why not pretend Avraham is her brother and, because she is going to be courted by other men, he will benefit from her. That sounds like a strange request. However, it is a pekuach nefesh (life endangering) situation so Avraham was probably justified in this request especially since, as her brother, Avraham could protect her to some extent and she would not be "forced" into anything. The Egyptians, apparently, would try to honor him into allowing one of them to be with Sarah. However, if Avraham descended into Egypt as her husband they would have just killed him and raped her. This is, seemingly, the way Avraham was thinking. 

The mind boggling thing here is that he was pleading with Sarah to allow him to carry out his plan. This seems counter to the way society was run up until more modern times. Even in Rome, a "civilized" society, the law was a man could do whatever he wanted to do to his family, kill them, beat them and so on. The fact that Avraham would not carry out his plan without Sarah's go ahead speaks mountains of his character. The truth is that even if Avraham had not consulted with Sarah he could have just told the Egyptians that she was his sister and whatever she said would be worthless. Why would the Egyptians kill him if he said she was his sister regardless of what she said? However, Avraham cared what Sarah had to say and would only carry out his plan if she gave the go ahead. This is a very different attitude towards women than that of most ancient civilizations. In fact, it was only very recently (1920 in the United States and no earlier than 1881 in the Isle of Man: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women%27s_suffrage) that women were allowed to vote in elections. 


However, this appreciation for a wife was not lost on Avraham. A good example of this value is found in the Gemorah on 59a in Babba Metzeia. It states, "R. Helbo said: One must always observe the honour due to his wife, because blessings rest on a man's home only on account of his wife, for it is written (Genesis 12:16), 'And he treated Abram well for her sake.' And thus did Rava say to the townspeople of Mahuza, Honour your wives, that ye may be enriched."


Also, the Rambam says in the Laws of Women (15:19):
וכן צוו חכמים שיהא אדם מכבד את אשתו יותר מגופו ואוהבה כגופו. ואם יש לו ממון מרבה בטובתה כפי ממונו. ולא יטיל עליה אימה יתירה ויהיה דבורו עמה בנחת ולא יהיה עצב ולא רגזן:
"So too, the Rabbis commanded that a man should honor his wife more than himself and love her like himself. If he has money, then he should increase his goodness towards her according to how much money he has. He should not place upon her a lot of fear, he should speak to her soothingly, he should not cause her grief and he should not be ill-tempered with her."

We find in Judaism that throughout our existence as a people we have always held the value of respect for women no matter what the situation. Avraham did not speak to Sarah with haste or with an ill-temper even though he was fearful FOR HIS LIFE. Rambam tells us that we MUST speak to our wives in a soothing nature and without causing grief no matter the situation, rather we must look at Avraham as an example for how to treat our wives.


I think it is quit obvious why the Torah points out that Avraham treated Sarah with respect and the Rabbis specifically tell us a man must honor his wife, because the societies that they were surrounded by did not do this. The Midianites treated their women like weapons, using them as tools to fight the Jewish people by sending them to have illicit relations with them. The Egyptians would take women against their will, as pointed out in this week's Parsha. In the time of the Gemorah, the Romans would allow a husband to KILL his wife without batting an eyelash. The Rambam lived in a Muslim society and, although he was influenced to some degree, seemingly kept this Jewish value of honoring your wife more than yourself.

Unfortunately, there are some Jewish men that do not honor this Jewish value. However, they are the few outliers and transgressors of this Jewish law. The Torah explicitly teaches us that a man must honor his wife and the Rabbis reinforce this idea. Avraham and Sarah were equal partners and, we can see from this story, he consulted with her for her opinion.

Avraham and Sarah had a very trying life together. They were tested over and over. However, they were able to make it work because they were in it together and respected each others ideas and truly loved one another. Their life together is one to be emulated.